come show me the feeling of complete*

有時候太堅強　笑容卻填不滿眼眶
越是想要隱藏　歌聲就唱的更響亮
直到入到心底最深處
你不要追問我　還缺了些什麼
每個人都有夢　幸福總站在最遠方
心中越是渴望　越是不敢伸手擁抱
誰的心是我最後一站
我強問我自己　現在還沒有個答案
我不是你想像那麼勇敢
多想讓你保護能流淚一場
讓我放下武裝 像個孩子一樣
單純的把愛情放在你心上
每個人都有夢　幸福總站在最遠方
心中越是渴望　越是不敢伸手擁抱
誰的心是我最後一站
我強問我自己　現在還沒有個答案
我不是你想像那麼勇敢
多想讓你保護能流淚一場
讓我放下武裝　像個孩子一樣
單純的把愛情放在你心上
我不是你想像總是扮演堅強
多想讓你知道我也要個伴
放下討厭武裝　像個孩子一樣
單純的把愛情放在你心上
我不是你想像的那麼勇敢

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Jason was admitted to CGH today. His gastric problem had worsen and he is in pain for days. So these few days, i had been accompanying him visiting hospitals serveral times. He had so many medicines, injections, blood test, x-rays etc.. none.. TOTALLY NONE can take his pain away. Staying beside him all these while, am totally helpless.

while on de cab to CGH, i was thinking, just wad if, am gonna lost Jason from now onwards?

• i’ll be losing someone who has been arnd me for 6 years
• someone who is so patience to me
• someone who i dun even have to say a word and he already knows what i want to say
• someone who allows me to lose myself occassionally only infront of him
• someone who never fails to accompany me to a doc whenever am sick
• someone who’ll listen to everything i wan to say
• someone who shares my joy, sorrows, stress n practically everything
• someone…. that allows me to be simply me

afterall.. this someone is not just any someone. i have no reservations at all being with him. Even with the closest closest damn closest fren, i can’t say.. am totally myself. But with jason, its just me. I guess i haven meet a second person that can let me be simply me. I dun have to mind my words or hide my feelings at all cus he just simply understands so in depth to de extend of knowin why i would behave or have tots in certain ways.

am so physically and mentally drained. Running abt to handle my stuffs and taking care of him, there is not a single second that am not worried abt his condition. In fact, i can’t even sleep properly, checking my phone every few hours to check whether there’s any emergency calls from Jason. Losing rest has somehow trigger not only my migraine, but also my asthma. My heart hurts so badly one morning that am considering to carry an inhaler with me which i never had the intention to rely on it at all.

i dun wanna have the same regrets as i had for my dad n god-dad, neglected them, not knowing abt their conditions at all and lost them in de end without spending much time with them. Yet, however, regardless of how much time i can stay beside Jason, am helpless, there’s nth i can do but to see him in pain. How cruel? On the other hand, its reali been a long time since i come back home to eat with my mummy.

i wish i could clone myself.

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i haven’t been upset for a very long time but well these two days, somehow, was it me who got kinda over reacted or was it reali these are affecting me.

yest had a quarrel with my younger sis and this morning my mum actually made some nonsensical suggestions that she wanna me compromise for my sister? But the fact is, i reali dunno wad had happen and my younger sis just kip on accusing me. argh.

After a tiring day of visiting today, meet Jason after his work for dinner though am too full to eat. Went into the topic about Daniel again. Okay, this is not the first time we reali got pissed off with each other when its Daniel. Whenever, he sees all the “ah bengs” around, he’ll tell me “see .. Look at them, i wonder why daniel have to be like them?”  I’ve made thousands of suggestions to him how to handle this son of his, but he just dun seem to accept. I understand that we are just standing at a different position to view things. He, being a parent, he doesn’t know the right way to be strict and turns out to be too lenient that he can no longer do anything to bring his son back to the right path. And me, as a onlooker, his fren, daniel’s sis, someone daniel who’ll approach to in de past, yesh, do things in a very straightforward way. Jason always commented that am not a parent, i wun understand his diffculty. But if am a parent, i wun allow my child to turn out this way. If am the parent, i wun even give daniel a single cent, since he has choosen to drop sch, den he’ll have to learn to support himself and not idling his life away playing games n hanging out with *frens*.  I would made him realise the cruelty of reality, no one can support him forever, and wad can he do with just sec 1 level? I’ll let him realise how long these so called frens can stay with him being like this.

I agree, mayb to parents its hard to do it this way. But allowing the child to waste his life away, is it much “kinder” to de child? Every human is de same, its only when pushed to their limits, then they’ll face up to the cruelty reality and DO SOMETHING!

arghh.. hope its not the upcoming exam stressssss tat’s driving me crazy causing me not to be myself. goSh!

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had been helping my mum and aunt to make pineapple tarts for the past two weekends. well, for frens whu reali knws me n my family, they will knoe that this is a norm in my family. =)

well, kel ang oreadi finished his first bottle n he is asking fer more!! GOSH! Notorious! keke.

my mom, she’s a lady whu carries a frown most of the time like she has so many unsolved problems everyday. Recently years, she is much more beta. However, while sitting at the table making the pineapple dough, i saw a smile carrying on my mum’s face. We were kiping silent, din tok much, and her expression was one without a frown and with a smile that reali comes deep within her heart.

i was curious abt that smile she constantly held on her face throughout the baking session. Well, to understand de reason why, i have to stand in her position to feel. If i am the one who is 60 years old now, making pineapple tarts just like the past years, nw sitting with my daughter to do it for frens n relatives…. hmm.. i guess.. that’s also some kind of blissful thing ain’t it?

yup. it will b. it’ll b just so simple. no expectations, no boundaries, yah, just the kind of simple contentment that brings out the smile from the heart truthfully with simply happiness being expressed on her face with me just sitting there with her baking.

these tots and her smile.. makes me smile. =)

i will want to continue baking pineapple tarts with my mum every yr. =P

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30th December 2008:

its coming to de end of 2008, how time reali flies, i only came to realise it early this morning at work when i saw today’s date. LOL

I am here to look back this one year about myself. .

364 days back, am at Lucky Plaza at this time after work, waiting for the rest of the colleagues who are still working to off work for count down. I have already ordered Pizza for everybody by this time. Missing those times, just crowding arnd frens, it just makes me feel so warmth! =)

Year 2008:

• i’ve made lotsa great frens from Gior esp. from LP and STC. No matter how tired we are at the end of the day, its reali the ppl that kips one another to continue reporting to that sickening outlet n provide the best service to de worst ppl. (i mean mostly not all.. and well.. liek i’ve always mentioned to the newbies, Giordano = Service and so.. yah.. SMILE!)

• i’ve learnt alot in gior in being a fren and someone who has to lead, being partial and a fren at the same time is kinda hard. To be strict in a lenient way.. master it! *winKs*

• i’ve spend more time with my mom enjoying her cookings, listening and talking to her, controlled my temper sOOo mUch towards her, and yah, bring her out to her fav places or places that i wish i could bring her to, to eat. ** Thanks Kel Lin realising one of my wish for my mummy. There was once i went out with mummy to visit Uncle, we were eating at a kopishop, uncle said, “my children nv asks me whether the food is enuff for me, they only asked me whether am finishing and it upsets me.”  I smiled with a puzzled look and he replied “Am already so old, i wun even know if i can eat tml, so let me eat slowly and enjoy the food.” There was a sharp pinch in my heart at that moment, yah, i felt sad for him and tat is why i always invited him if am gonna bring my mommy to eat!

• i’ve managed to catch up with many great frens from all paths of my life, pri sch gatherings just to see how much each and everyone has changed, kopibean frens, catching up n still toking abt the same old topics, those weirdo, fussy, nasty, nice, etc. customers whose names whom we stil rem. Poly frens esp those from TPRD, talking abt the *dark corners* jokes and as usual.. eat, drink, sing, lauging and crapping together. Well, i dunno since when Terence has become part of TPRD tOo! And of cus, sec sch frens who came back from overseas for holis, and frens like jianda..=)

• Am taking a course that i never tot tat i will ever take in the past, it feels like i finally have a goal? yUp. a degree.. next to CPA! wish me luck!
• I’ve made more great frens in AON Consulting, though earning a small amt of income but it seems like .. i did not save at all! HAhahaha..
• i went for Hip Hop Dance classes which i’ve always wanted though it already ended. LOL
• Most imptly, i can be there for the people who needs me. =)

So how abt Year 2009 ? :

1. Exams coming up.. Sturdy Sturdy hard!!!!!
2. Taiwan trip with Mommy, ting, Aunt and Kel ang next year.. wOrk hard!! SAVE HARDErRRrRRr!!
3. Master Blading.. *bites* bear all pain! YESH
4. Hopefully a Bizzare by the end of the yr.. if not .. Yr 2010! (Marcel and eugene.. read this!) LOL
5. I wanna master all my mum’s cooking!!!! whOops! i hope so.. hahahaa

And well, it seems liek Year 2008 have been kinda a great year fer me yea. But well, life is a balance, when you lose something, you gain something. =)

Heard many life stories lately regarding marriage and love. Divorce and seperations are getting overly too common now, den wad’s the pt of marriage? Who said that Love has no boundaries? The ones who said that must be still sleeping tightly in his/her fairytale dream, can’t bear to wake up and face up to reality. I rem me as willing to do anything such as going against my parents just to mit my boyfren, as long as both are together, am willing to get kicked out from hse? Getting the most harsh punishment from parents? Borrow money from frens and save on my pocket $$ just to watch a pathetic movie? Can do nothin for the whole day, neglecting my studies, and just sit and do nth at his hse not going home and neglecting my parents?

When i begin to grow up, thinking back, these are fond memories that makes one laugh, looking into the tiny details like the people involved esp. parents, now i can see how upset and worried i’ve once made them. I saw the time that i’ve wasted away for my studies and the times i should spend more with family. What was i trying to prove at that pt of time? Looking into the future and the couples in reality, i can see the fragile part of love, unintention quarrels and fights due to pride and stubborness. Love that has faded in marriage and for every actions taken, the reason behind, “kids”. The reason “kids” is not something that modern couples use, it had been passed down from since decades ago that couples stay on together becus of *KIDS*. Just that the modren way of solving is divorce while in the past its “tolerate”.

I din grow up in a “wow” or damn loving parents family, the topics that i can rem which they usually tok abt were “MONEY” that always leads to quarrels, angry tones and shoutings and someone leaving the table, the house? I still rem my mum telling me how she got to know dad, how they dated  and the obstacles they faced like parents problems who r my grand-parents, wad awesome thing they did like getting ROM w/o parents consents cus parents are so objective and so on to having us….from pregnancy to after pregnancy and to the probs that they used to face then which is the money issue that leads to quarrels and fights  which is a reality thing that hurts badly emotionally due to the words used and actions done. What they have went thru in the r’s were reali awesome, unforgettable but when reality sets in, how many couples can really take the challenge? And when the challenge had become a failure, how many couples did really stay strong together to solve regardless the nature of the prob and where’s that loads of love they use to share?

reality.

seen it?

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